give up being safe

i am doing it again.

i am giving up on succeeding, by not even attempting to succeed, and ensuring self-disappointment and more importantly failure.

fuck.

sitting with tom after dinner, confessing to him that today was the day that i was supposed to call the mood-disorder clinic to begin working with them to help draw in women in need to their organization.

i didn't call.

confessing that this is such a familiar, hateful pattern within myself. confessing that while i can feel impassioned about something at the starting gate, i'm more likely to give up before i reach the end then to finish at all and see the (pathetic) results. i say pathetic, because that is what i have seem to always know how it ends for me. and yet, in a quick review, my life is not full of failures and bad things, it's filled with things that happened at just the right moment, when i needed it the most, even if i knew it or not.

and then, searching for inspiration, something to re-ignite my courage and drown my self-doubt, i come across this:

"the first thing i tell my clients or group members when they wish to develop their third chakras is to give up the attachment of being safe. this involves giving up wanting everything assured ahead of time and accepting that there might be criticism, challenge, misunderstanding, rejection or a possibility of failure" (how do i survive failing??). "while safety may be important for survival issues and for developing emotions, it is no challenge to our power if everything we do is already removed from any real risk." fuck

"we need to face the fact that the world is not safe. if we limit our selves to what is predictably comfortable, we may as well not get out of bed in the morning." but i like predictability, i makes me feel safe!! "in clinging to safety and security, we remain as children - powerless and wanting the world to be shaped for us. the challenge of power is to mature, accept responsibility, and carve the shape of our future through our ow proactivity. our power increases through meeting challenges and resolving them successfully." AHA!! "we must be willing to take risks, venture into the unknown, and escape the gravity of the familiar in order to expand upward and outward in the journey across the rainbow bridge (our dreams)." excerpt from eastern body, western mind ~ anodea judith.

well if i was looking for courage, here it is, served to me, via my muse (whom i've been cursing all day to leave me the hell alone) and her sister serendipity.

you bet i won't be able to shut her up now.

fuck.