loveday

It's my birthday today...
a time when I still embody the excited 10yr old girl
who wants the day to be all about her...

...except when you have a child of your own
then it's an ordinary day of what they need first...

...except when you were in a marriage for 7 yrs
and he lovingly still made the day about you...

...except that it's just my daughter & I now
so that 10yr is pouting and stomping and feeling a deep sadness...

So I sit and hug my 10yr old and let her know that I know it's a momentous day today because it's the day 44 yrs ago that the unique light of her spirit birthed into being. I explain to her that this is another occasion where we have to be gentle with ourself because it's the first. I bring her onto my lap, look into her pain-filled eyes and tell her that we're going to learn together to love ourselves...

...especially today...because starting right now it's our loveday.

pain's boombox

Feel the fear and do it anyway.
that's how a sense of success and
self-worth are re-ignited
in the pit of despair.

Trust someone else's Trust
when your own is smothered by
doubt and hopelessness

Be gentle with yourself.
honor where you are in 'the process'
while you await the waves of pain to pass

Come out of the darkness and feel grateful
that there are beacons of light holding vigil
until you can hold your own


I know them all, today I just don't feel them...
my heartache is louder

Wishcasting Wednesday ~ Celebrate

pulling away the debris
of self-doubt
fear & hopelessness
to discover
inextinguishable embers of
tenacity... courage...joy

Gratitude fuels my inner-fire to
fertilize and grow myself...
again

ode to grief

Grief is grief.
It's a hurt deep within us
that suffocates our breath and grips our hearts
with searing pain...

I didn't loose anyone to death,
Yet I am mourning something that was taken away from me
with swift cruelty and agonizing betrayl of trust

Feels like death to me...

So please don't say it's okay, lots of other people go through this
don't tell me that I'm better off
or there's plenty of fish in the sea

Don't tell me that I shouldn't be missing what I lost
I have memories that tell me, despite the end,
the beginning and middle are worth crying over

I'm grieving what was and what is
I'm grieving her loss of family and daddy-time
I'm grieving through anger and pain
that's also washing over her face too

I'll grieve as long as I need to without feeling ashamed or judged...
So will she.

And when we want to talk about it, or stomp or bang because
we're too mad to use our words or too full of sorrow
hold a quiet and tender place for us to come back to
in your arms and in your heart

We need friends who know how to be friends
now, next month & possibly in three years...
and so does our grief.

*Inspired by Terri's post

re-remembering

I'm trying to figure out my worth.
I know I have one...it's here
somewhere inside the darkness, hanging on a hook
with my confidence & power.

You see, I moved into a black cavernous abyss
and have grown quite small...not intentionally
it just happened when the pain became too much
and the lies numerous and the betrayl a knife
that cut into every moment of the day.

i look at my daughter and I wonder what am i to her?
if i could ask her my value to her 5 yr old heart, what would she answer?
the friends that i lean on more these past few months
if i could ask them what do i bring to their days anymore, what would they say?
and my aging parents, i wonder if it feels like taking care of a child again
if i could ask them what is it they see in me that is their daughter what woud they say?

and i know that this questioning is because someone i trusted
with my precious, tender self showed me his worth for me
by trampling over it instead of handing it back to me with respect.

i don't ask and so i don't know their answers and i don't know my own
but I remember being tenacious and strong
I remember having my own sense of personal value and worth
and that I matter...
it's just going to take crawling out of this gaping crack to take it back

post edit: I wrote this a couple of days back while I snuggled into my daughter during the night. I cried into her hair, hoping that by feeling her close, I would feel the answers. I didn't that night, and I still don't...but I'm fighting for them, and that's have the battle.

handle with gentleness

the man who's hands once held me, and then pushed me into the blackend burnt soil of our forest fire
handed me a yellow package today
handle with care, first class mail...i knew the place of love it came from
the irony being that the messenger of pain had delivered it.

it's a book full of the deep knowing of loss and darkness
it's a gift of gentleness from deep south to up north
from one woman to another to me...an unsure soul trying to find my footing again

we sit here, my friend and i crying stirred by her prose...experiences of suffering bring us together past through black ink
some i can't hear right now, they are too bright for my dark heart
some force open my cracks and gently sooth the pain away with loving kindness

one woman's words can move another's pain just enough to know that it's going to be okay

survival and triumph squash the fear. knowing i am not alone fosters hope.

good stuff we keep saying as we turn the pages...my heart soaks up the ones near the end

i know my end is somewhere out there

one day i will meet Sorrow face to face and and thank her for the grace of her love over the ether and through the canadian post. And Terri...well we already met in the dark.

I am Mamma Bear, hear me roar

I stare at my proverbial glass everyday...and depending on the day, I get my answer.

These days I spend more upright in seeing a future develop then hunched over with the burden of pain & grief. 3 weeks now my daughter & I have lived in our new home with our two friends, 5 cats and one Rose, the male beta fish. 3 weeks of cuddled-down chats awash in pink light from her flowered lamp camped in between the computer and the TV. 3 weeks of feeling like a single parent, the sudden shock of it all, and the realization that, while this isn't how I wanted my life, this is how it is.

I focus on my blessings to get me through the bad times. And when I can't do that for myself, I do it for my daughter.

I am Mama Bear now...

the bullshit we tell oursleves

The height of my anger matches the depths of my pain and sadness.

I said this to him yesterday, one of many phrases I have used to indicate to him that he is not seeing what he's doing. "How can he?" my friends corrects, "He's drunk on his addiction!" She is his addiction, the cunt for all his passions and exclamations and discoveries and ecstasy.

His delusions include though...still...US. It makes me shake my head in amazement that he still believes that there is an opportunity for the soot of our relationship to be clued together through therapy and hope. He denies that there are any consequences of the still existing affair, that "I'm trying to extricate myself from it", "I'm working on it..." are hollow words loaded with false promises and stall tactics.

...he's bullshitting me again...

...and I've kept listening because I deluded myself that some thing, ONE thing he'd say would be enough to finally sooth away what's he's caused...

...I'm bullshitting msyelf....again...

Then I look to my 5yr old daughter and I realize that I don't want her to grow up knowing anything less than what's she's known in the last few years...her mom and dad loving her, loving each other and tackling life's challenges in our togetherness...

...and I realize that this now has to change...that her and I will form the togetherness, that he can choose to stand alone or with someone else to face his demons of infidelity sobriety (or not)...

...but not us, not her, people whom he says he loves while he cuts us down with his disregard for the truth and moral respect our relationship deserves.

And, that, finally is not bullshit...it's the bare, raw and saving truth.

Please Goddess, let me finally find peace and re-remember that I am worthy of pure love.

the moment of choice

To my friends that have come and are cheering me on either by commenting or not commenting:

I am surviving...or not, in any given moment of my life these days. In one moment I see something that I haven't seen before...a space for the miracle of forgiveness and compassion to scream through my pain.

In the next, the betrayal and deceit still mock me just when I think I may turn the corner from them for good.

Worry not though, from the grace of an unseen (but not unfelt) Source, I am still standing. Tenacity runs strong through my veins (thank you Goddess and Mom and Sorrow) and in the moment that I feel like I want to plunge into darkness, I stay afloat. I don't know how, I just do.

I am aware, constantly, that each moment is a chance to simply see. The euphonism for it is AFGO (another fucking growth opportunity). "Take it or leave it, WRO." I hear Her say, and each moment then becomes a choice.




Our lives never stop being about the choice to see moments for what they really are. While I want the rollercoaster to stop (NOW!), I always want to have a choice.

I never want it taken away from me again. Ever.

Love is a verb

I knew this was coming...I could feel it, the voices of changing winds close by.

This wasn't going to be a seasonal re-birth like spring, it felt more of a permanent, no-going-back-to-your-old-self death.

I should have felt the threat too. And yet, I did feel it. I knew that something was not quite right...I felt unsettled and saw things that I thought weren't actually there...but they were. I was drawn into the rythm of my life and denied my Inner voice warning me to pay attention to the secrets and lies forming around me. If ever there was a time to listen to Her, this would be it.

The destructive event (of which I've yet to come up with a term comfortable enough for me to utter) has been likened by one of my good friends as a "forest fire" ~ the burning away of the existing to make room for the new. That perspective feels right...but oh the fucking pain while my world burned to the ground. I raged in anger at the smithereens of my life. I didn't ask "Why me?" but instead "How could you? How did we get here? Where do we go?"

I watched the devistation obliterate my life in a flash, and in the days that followed while engulfed in grief and disbelief, I saw that this could be an opportunity too, a new beginning if I let there be one...an emergence of something unknown, fertilized by blackend and familiar soil.

Love is a verb, she wrote on the rock and placed it in our garden...our community garden that has become about healing and growing and triumphanting over betrayal, chaos and fear.

freedom from fear

my heart cracked open some months ago, i didn't even realize she was closed.
i lie on bolsters and blocks in a gentle encouraging way, breathing, urging...fearing (oh the fear)
the rawness of what's inside peeks around the corner of the crack
wondering what it feels like...out there...

still breathing, still sighing...still reading, sometimes writing....
still thinking, sometimes feeling stillness...

I don't know where I am most days...
but I feel more connected and aware than I ever have
but, oh the fear...

wisdom on my mat

"what is my true heart's desire?"

That was the question we were prompted to ask ourselves last night in Tara's meditation class. But I couldn't stay connected long enough to my heart to see anything beyond colors, a question we were asked previously. I was distracted by the discomfort in my back from sitting upright, dudes downstairs in the bar cheering on Canada through a 52inch tv screen, and just the need to get back to my mug of chamomile tea nearby.

Instead of sitting in frustration and dissappointment with myself, I simply held the image of my heart and it's colors, envisioning instead, how it would look painted on my dreamboard...and if it's message would be revealed then. Anticipation can be joy itself.

This is the third meditation class I've participated in, and I'm always reminded by Tara's gentle, nurturing voice that this isn't about how long I stay in the "watching-my-thoughts-go-by-instead-of-being-engaged-by-them-hoping-for-nirvana" state, but rather, when I do feel glimpses of that connectedness, what is revealed...

As I've sat on my mat during these past few months, and especially during our latest 30-day challenge, I'm constantly reminded by our teachers, and yes, now even my own inner teacher, that judging myself about what I'm not achieving is blinding me from what I am ~ acceptance of what is, letting go of what isn't, and knowing that that all might change tomorrow, next week, or even in my next breath.

open mike for my heart

I want to write about yoga, or more specifically, my yoga....

I want to write the most accurate words that capture what this particular modality of "exercise" does for me.

So I search within my heart, and I scramble through my brain, and I seek out other blog neighbors that write about it, and I even ('cause I roll this way), look up the definition...

yoga: [yoh-guh]
–noun 1. a school of Hindu philosophy advocating and prescribing a course of physical and mental disciplines for attaining liberation from the material world and union of the self with the Supreme Being or ultimate principle.
2. any of the methods or disciplines prescribed, esp. a series of postures and breathing exercises practiced to achieve control of the body and mind, tranquillity, etc.
3. union of the self with the Supreme Being or ultimate principle.

...and none of these are what MY practice is quite about.

Ten years ago, when I bing-practised yoga, it was for how it would make my body look (sleek and slightly muscular), it was a passive way for me to "get healthy", and it was the thing to do living in downtown Toronto. Six months ago, when I started up again, my reasons had changed. I came to my mat to get away from the stressors in my life, to disconnect from the world and my place in it, to escape into something that was just solely mine. It was a safe, quiet place that could help me become invisible for a short time until I had to face the world again an hour later.

And while I felt relaxed in a quiet place within myself during the sessions, stepping back into my reality quiet often scared the crap outta me, and I found myself back in the same anxious mental state I was before my practise.

During the first couple of months of my practise, I emoted quite a bit on my mat. My towel soaked up more than my sweat, and often, child's pose lent me the privacy I needed to let all the pain release through my tears. Apparently this happens...it's not uncommon to feel a cracking of our hearts as they are gently opened with the postures and held tenderly to allow for release of trauma.

Today, my practise is the blending of both of my beliefs of what yoga has shown me. I know that the physical benefits will happen as I practise, but I don't actively focus on this aspect anymore. And I know that my practise helps me to react more positively to my outside stressors, but I don't use it to hide anymore, and I don't go to my mat dreading the moment I have to get off, because...well, I'm beginning to live my practise off my mat. I'm becoming more quiet within myself, and that means more quiet outwardly too. I don't freak out as much as I used to during any chaos of my day. I'm better able to explain my anger, or frustration instead of venting it to my loved ones, and...this is huge...I've become more compassionate and empathetic. During my insomniac moments (which translates into quiet moments), I find I have insights into what others might be feeling or experiencing. I can put myself into another's shoes and feel life through their heart. These "Aha!" moments are unique and magnificent, and as a healer, this insight adds depth to my ability to help people heal themselves.

I don't see any of this defined through dictionary.com, and I don't remember being told ten years ago that this is what yoga can do. But now I get it, I realize that yoga is unique for everyone. We may share similar reasons why we are hooked (because most yogis are hands-down hooked), but we all have different reasons why we stay.

I've just joined my stuido's 30 Day Challenge, and I'm excited to see what will continue to be revealed to me from my heart during the next few weeks of living yoga on and off my mat. It's my heart that leading me this time...and she apparently has profound things to say...

cloth vs. paper napkins ~ Tree Huggin' Tuesday

I have a dozen beautiful red cloth napkins in my hutch drawer. I have 300+ paper napkins stored under my side board. I am proud of one, ashamed of the other...

With six of us at the table (most under the age of 13), it's hard for the kids to remember to use them unless the napkins are placed under their cutlery AND they are told to keep them after they are finished eating. There's already enough to remind them of at the table...and when I'm even sick of hearing my own nagging voice, well...*sigh*...I've become defeated and succumbed to using them too.

No more thanks to Hip Mountain Mama and her Tree Huggin' Tuesday post today! She has resurrected my determination to get everyone on board, again, to using cloth napkins instead of paper! Let me emphasise my enthusiasm with more exclamation points ~ !!!!!!!!!

Six napkins washed every few days with the reds and pinks (which we have alot of being a 3 girl family) doesn't take up that much room or use that much more water in the washer that it's going to tip my water bill to an exurbanite amount. We save ourselves money and stop using trees for one more self-serving thing. Having felt unsupported in my efforts, I sent my partner the link to Hip Mama's post this morning (and linked it through my twitter account ~ hi my love!) in hopes that he'll read it and realize that the bigger picture is more important than the convenience of (stupid) paper napkins.

I am on a crusade today...to hide the paper napkins (HA!!)...and put out pretty cloth ones instead ( I like the idea of having a basket of them instead of in the hutch). If their hands are that dirty they'll either wash them, or "Oh! Look! I can use this red thing..."

Go on, make the switch, feel the softness of cloth vs paper, look for pretty colors and patterns to reflect your mood or cuisine, notice the savings on your grocery bill! It's not just for fancy schmancy dinners anymore, and somewhere, a tree is thanking you.

A Dollop more of Happy ~ Week 1

I'm sitting here having just visited Jamie's new on-line book club which I'm a participant of (The Next Chapter ~ The Happy Book ~ TNCTHB). This week The GLEE circle's book is somewhere between Toronto and Alberta, on it's way to Nadia so that she can bask in it's creative prompts to add more HAPPY into her life in some way.

I'm also sitting here trying to think of all the things I purposely did this week to bring more HAPPY into my little world...and I can't for the life of me think of anything I went out of my way to do! How disappointing...how forgetful....and how enlightening! Instead of berating myself and making myself feel all shitty I'd rather focus on the positive side:

I forgot, big deal. Did I do things that made me happy this week ~ yes! Were they extraordinary and full of intention to add rainbows to my life? Noooo...but they were daily tasks that I did for me...and more ME time = HAPPY-happy, joy-JOY!

Thanks to visiting TNCTHB, I'm reminded of giving my days (or at least once a week) that extra dollop of purposeful HAPPY.

...and although this wasn't solely ME time, this snapshot of our playtime together does make me giggle...

the awesomness of rawness

I've decided to incorporate more raw foods into my eating. I've been craving raw foods for the past couple of winters, but I couldn't imagine going through our frosty Canadian winters without comfy soups and chillis, so I denied what my body was it trying to tell me (yo! send in more plant ensymes!) and sufferd the consequences.

It was a silly "all or nothing" way of thinking until I read Boho Girl's blog where she shared her honest self going through a master cleanse. Something about the way she spoke about how the cleanse made her not only feel physically lighter but also emotionally, inspired me to revisit my desire for the awesomness of rawness. I didn't have to go from hot, straight to raw foods, I could introduce them slowing into my diet through side dishes...heck maybe even my family would get into it too.

Then Boho Girl wrote about a friend of hers that eats primarily raw foods (and lives part time in an RV with her family) and I popped over to Sara's site to take the next leap of my rawness journey ~ gathering recipes. I'm still going through her wonderful site, and I'm learning that it's so simple and encouraging to see how one person's lifestyle can help full my own step towards this major change. I'm barely a meat eater anymore thanks to my tummy reminding me with chronic indigestion, so it only makes sense that I explore more healthy sources through grains, vegetables, fruit and greens (kale chips anyone??).

I am feeling confident about this step for the betterment of my health...and I'm looking forward to discovering new ways to "cook" for myself and my family.

***

Most mornings we have "breakfast #2" around 10:30ish...and we've definitely gone the smoothie route during the summer months because of it's cooling affect, but today we tried one of Sara's recommendation for a variety of the chocolate kind. I love that it's sweetness comes from frozen ripe bananas and stevia. My 5yr. old daughter enyoys being recorded lately, and she wanted to give her two cents about it (and tell you about her favorite colours too). Allow the slurping to entice you...

Chocolate Smoothie Delight from WRO on Vimeo.

Chocolate Shake
Raw Food Real World by Sarma Melngailis & Matthew Kenny

3 cups frozen bananas (I used 4 whole frozen ones, slightly thawed in the microwave)
2 cups almond milk (or whatever milk you have on hand)
2 T raw carob powder or cocoa powder (adjust to taste, cocoa powder tends to have a stronger flavour than carob ~ I used 2)
1 t vanilla
1/4 cup of agave nectar or 2 packets of sugar (try not to use any refined white/brown sugar or honey)
pinch of salt
pinch of cinnamon (if you want some pep in your step)

Blend well, pour in pretty glasses, add your favorite straw and prepare to have a culinary orgasm. As you can see our family gave it 2 thumbs up! Thanks Sara for sharing...

Let the happiness in...

As I did for 2009, I've chosen a word to symbolize my touchstone for 2010. It was harder this time narrowing the word...I had it down to "JOY" & "PLAYFULLNESS"....but it wasn't until I was flipping through magazines for my dream board images that I realized JOY was speaking to be heard more. Here's the top of the canvas that I plan to turn into my new header:

In keeping with the JOY theme, I've joined "The Next Chapter: The Happy Book" offered by Jamie Ridler, our guru of on-line inspirational book clubs and all around creative coach. I just received the email confirmation today that I'm 23rd out of 27 in my group (the Glee Circle), and while the suspense is going to drive me batty, I can't wait until I receive the book, it's going to be busting with all version of happiness from everyone else before me (it's a mail-around group, go check out the link for more information)! And by then I hope to have a firm grasp on how playing = joy in my life!

All these versions of JOY are very serendipitous on my journey this year...I feel my heart open more and more with it all.

In keeping with the theme, here is one of my fave musicians singing about his version of happy (listen to the song, forget the video):

Wishcasting Wednesday ~ Shine

I decide whether or not to participate in Jamie's WW by how long her questions stick with me during the day or how long it takes for her question to prompt a response from my heart. Today was immediate...

"How do you wish to shine?"

I have spoken many times over the past couple of years about passing on hope to women who struggle with postpartum depression (PPD). Except for psychosis, I experienced every debilitating and real symptom of the illness. There were many, many days that I didn't know if I was going to survive it...or if I even wanted to...and what got me through were my family, friends and medical care givers and their gifts of hope through their words, their touch and their conviction that I would one day be back to my normal self. They shone like bright beacons of life and hope in the abyss of my darkness.

And that's how I wish to shine...I wish to shine HOPE for women who are suffocating in the depths of PPD so that they too know they can make it.

I'm already doing it here and there...and it makes my heart swell with gratitude for the insight into how to triumph this illness...but...I want to shine bigger and brighter and farther because I know it's needed beyond my immediate community.

Yes, I have big dreams for shinning HOPE...

Remembering your Light during the darkness

Celebrating the Winter Solstice is by far my favorite holiday (next to Christmas). Yesterday for the first time I explained what we celebrate on this momentous day to my 4 1/2 yr old in terms that she could understand, while lighting all the candles for the turning hour (around noon EST). Here's a peek at what we are remembering...click to view large.

And to you dear reader, may the turning of the days remind you that the Light of the winter months now resides within you to replenish and nurture with coziness and contemplation.


Love & Peace to you, Wild Roaming One

Wishcasting Wednesday ~ Winter Wishing

More than all the other seasons, Winter brings out the most of my inner child. While I love the heat of summer, hanging at the beach with my little one, watching her embrace her inner mermaid.....there's something about Winter that moves my spirit more and motivates my body to jump into the piles of snow, make forts, slide down dangerous hills and gracefully glide along the ice. I can't stand the cold...but bring on a winter wonderland any day for me!

This year though I feel ominous about the upcoming Winter. Mainly because my time horsing around outside with my daughter is cut in half as she now goes to school half days. The adventures that we would get into, our appetite for "more mommy, more!" is now curtailed by someone else's timeline...and I'm fearful that the darkness of the season will swoop in while she's gone (ok, I'm also going through a bit of 'empty nest' thingy.)

It's been on my mind, so with Jamie's prompt today of "What is your Winter wish?", I've decided to create an intention for the upcoming months:

Dear Winter,

We have been close friends for a long time. I love how you turn the greyness of the sleeping trees into white lace, and the yellow grass into a playground of fluffy marshmellowness. I'm grateful that my daughter now also adores you...and she wakes up each morning these days anticipating your arrival. She won't be around as much to play with you this year though. There's this thing called "learning" in another place called "school" that she also interested in...and well, she's going to be sharing her time between it, you, and me.

It sucks the big one.

Here's what I'm thinking though Winter...could you maybe dump lots and lots of snow this year...enough to ensure a record number of "snow days" from school? That way she'd get to stay home and we'd have all day to chillax together...and you my friend, would forever remain my hero.

Barring that (sheesh), we could just find another way to be with each other I suppose. What else are you good at? I've heard some folks say that they like to hunker down during your staycation and turn inward to reflect on what's stirring within them...something about nurturing oneself in the seasonal darkness to prepare for the light and renewed life of Spring . Sounds hokey to me...but I'm willing to give it a go if it means that I'll get through this with my sanity intact. I do have some creative projects that have been waiting to come to life when I had more time. Is that the key to our new relationship Winter...do you magically provide extra hours to do stuff for ME? Could your existence be not only about snow and hot chocolate and tobogganing, but also about an opportunity to spend more time with myself and just myself?

I'm not saying I'm interested in any of that...not at all, but so as not to hurt your feelings and end our relationship, I'll give it a go. Bring it on Winter...all your glorious quiet time and new-found hours, all your billowy flakes to brighten up my creative space with your Light, and your occasional, extra snow days.