Wednesday, December 10, 2008

2009 in One Word

Deliberate Intention is the new New Years Resolution according to Christine.

I wrote down seven words from her suggested list and read the comments submitted by folks that all found their word through contemplation. I was skeptical of the whole thing at first, it still sounded like a condensed version of the monumental resolutions task of reforming oneself to do this, gain that, in 365 days or less. And if I took on this task when exactly would I find the time to make room in my day, let alone my head, to contemplate what my word would be?!

"Bah!" My inner-sceptic declared. It wasn't going to happen, although the idea began to appeal to me within a couple of days of reading her post. And hell, hadn't I already made the the time to pull seven words from a thirty-something list?

Subconsciously I was on board...and isn't that where all magic usually begins...

I had narrowed it down to laughter and integrity, both of which had been whispering in my ears previously to reading about this, but neither one were zinging me. As I stood washing dishes this morning, seduce by the melodic task of sudsing, scrubbing and rinsing, I rolled the words around in my heart. Were they the ones (my first clue should of been that I had to even ask), when suddenly they leaped off their foamy cliff and tumbled to a conclusion. What if I decided to accept this word thing? What if I chose to open myself up to a word that would set in motion an intent to create a sacred space for it's meaning and value to blossom within myself and my life?

What would it take for that to happen?


Who said that?

TENACITY. It will take persistent determination for you to find the balls to make the changes you want to make for yourself. Thing is sweetheart, you have it in you, it's not going to be a huge leap, but rather one of faith in yourself and your path to do it.

It felt like someone had just sucker punched me.

No! Not that one, not that ginormous word! You know what precious memories that word holds for me! You know it's power on me! I can teach my daughter all about courage and perseverance and fearlessness but don't ask me to be an example of that too, because I can't!

You can. Why is it that since the day she was born, you've been singing to her about it? Why is it that throughout those debilitating dark days, in and out of the hospitals, you kept you eye on surviving even while contemplating exiting? I told you once that your greatest strength is your love ~ love for him, for her and for yourself. And I'm telling you that while you think you can't do it, you are, you can, you have been. TENACITY is your word. And you need to resurrect it.

By now tears are welled up and I'm trying to ignore that voice that won't shut up.

TENACITY is your word! It's your word damn it! Here it is all lit up in giant letters like some personal billboard on the strip of Las Vegas. You know your word, and now you can't deny it.

Fricken fracken.

Crap on a cracker.


I can just pretend I never heard it. I can pretend that it's too esoteric of a concept to actually apply it to my day to day chaotic-wonderful-to-be-home-with-my-daughter-but-I'm-not-fulfilled-as-a-woman life. I can imagine that I fabricated the whole conversation and that tomorrow I'll come up with a less challenging word to embark into 2009 with. Or I can forget the whole thing and go back to doing the dishes.

But then I'd have to reason away why suddenly I can't get that damn song out of my head. The one that I began singing to my daughter days upon her arrival, not realizing that I was premonitiously singing about my own trudging crawl through post-partum depression. I would be the tenacious one, pulling myself out of an emotional abyss towards the bright love of my family.

the itsy-bitsy spider crawled up the water spout
down came the rain and washed the spider out
out came the sun and dried up all the rain
and the itsy-bitsy spider crawled up the spout again.
"Why?", I'd add to the end of the song, gazing into her newborn eyes...
"Because she had TENACITY."


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