Sunday, December 3, 2006

my own "dark night of the soul"

I'm not here. I don't know where I am, but it's not in this body. I can't feel my heart... I feel lost and unrooted...and barren...and so desparetely weary of trying to find my way back.

I've given myself Reiki every night while I lay in bed, asking Dr. Usui for his healing light to enter my body and shattered the scabs of ache and pain in my muscles and joints. I've been consuming (for the most part) copius amounts of herbal teas to encourage my body to let go of the frustration and flailing so that I can descend back into my Self once more. Lavender essential oil is my bedside companion, and it's sedating aroma my security blanket.

Babe urges me on with his love and compassion...but even now I don't feel that I deserve him and his exceptional soul.

It's all very familiar to was this and so much more when I was in the dark pit of my post-partum depression. I can feel, somewhere, an ember of my former self left...still glowing with life and power...and hope...ready to be restored and resurrected...but it's buried under a crust of self-loathing and shame.

Somehow...someway, I need to find the energy to continue this battle.

No comments: