Sunday, August 1, 2010

the bullshit we tell oursleves

The height of my anger matches the depths of my pain and sadness.

I said this to him yesterday, one of many phrases I have used to indicate to him that he is not seeing what he's doing. "How can he?" my friends corrects, "He's drunk on his addiction!" She is his addiction, the cunt for all his passions and exclamations and discoveries and ecstasy.

His delusions include though...still...US. It makes me shake my head in amazement that he still believes that there is an opportunity for the soot of our relationship to be clued together through therapy and hope. He denies that there are any consequences of the still existing affair, that "I'm trying to extricate myself from it", "I'm working on it..." are hollow words loaded with false promises and stall tactics.

...he's bullshitting me again...

...and I've kept listening because I deluded myself that some thing, ONE thing he'd say would be enough to finally sooth away what's he's caused...

...I'm bullshitting msyelf....again...

Then I look to my 5yr old daughter and I realize that I don't want her to grow up knowing anything less than what's she's known in the last few years...her mom and dad loving her, loving each other and tackling life's challenges in our togetherness...

...and I realize that this now has to change...that her and I will form the togetherness, that he can choose to stand alone or with someone else to face his demons of infidelity sobriety (or not)...

...but not us, not her, people whom he says he loves while he cuts us down with his disregard for the truth and moral respect our relationship deserves.

And, that, finally is not bullshit...it's the bare, raw and saving truth.

Please Goddess, let me finally find peace and re-remember that I am worthy of pure love.

6 comments:

L+N said...

love love love

kerrdelune said...

I echo that... love, love, love and more love even, plus healing thoughts and strength. Courage, my sweet, you have in boatloads.

kerrdelune said...

Of course, you are worthy of love, oceans of love, and don't ever forget that for a moment...

Little Seed said...

Remember this, dearest WRO:

You know all you need to know.

You know you must stay true to your core self and your visceral voice.

You know you deserve validation, acknowledgment, and full accountability.

You know you deserve fidelity, honesty, and R E S P E C T then, now, and always.

You know your visceral voice is right when it tells you "you deserve nothing less than pure, true-blue, honest love."

eema levanah said...

Yes, tis me. I left you a reply in response to your comment at my place.

You'll notice some changes. I'm baaack. Reclaiming.

Bohemian Single Mom said...

oh CRAP!! Right now I wish we could get together over coffee and discuss......
Why? WHY DO MEN have this obsessive need to screw things up, and then think that they didn't? Or think that something can be salvaged out of the mess THEY MADE!!!
Gawd girl, my thoughts are with ya! Hang in......... I am so sorry, but remember the strong kick-ass girl that you are!