Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Letting my soul breathe

Inspired by someone else's journal, I am stepping out of my writing "just the right thing" garb, and letting my fingers do the talking...

Monkey-Moo and I have spent all day, every day together since the end of August when we pulled her out of daycare. My enthusiasm to fully participate and contribute as much fun and growth in her life has recently waned, and up until last Sunday I had no idea why...I merely chalked it up to lack of sleep.

On that Sunday, I had an emotional release...when my soul sent a clear message to my too-active-to-listen-until-now brain that if I didn't admit the truth to myself, I was going to loose more than my enthusiasm for being Monkey-Moo's playmate...I was going to loose my will to live my life, and hop onto the next passing train and start another one somewhere else.

Her message was brief but crystal clear: I can't keep it all together anymore!

I honestly had no idea this is how I was feeling...and what exactly was I trying to "keep together"??!

And then the other night, while watching a TV series of all things, it dawned on me...I have been trying to keep myself together, literally. I have bound my emotions and true Self up so tightly in duct tape that I allow nothing to leak out. Not my frustrastration with the lack of ME time...nor the anger that rises up when I can't take one more whiney-plea-from-my-kid-and-Babe-still-sits-in-his-office-even-though-it's-past-5pm-and-dinner-isn't-started-and-clearly-my-kid-is-heading-for-a-meltdown-due-to-hunger moment...nor the fact that all I really want to do sink into a hot bath, deep below the surface to muffle out everything else but my own heartbeat...on a deserted island.

I have been walking through my days all chipper, ensuring that everyone only sees that I am thrilled being a mom and a partner, instead of a drowning,suffocating woman...just a woman who isn't coping with any of the roles that she had slid so easily into once upon a time.

Clearly ignoring my Self's plea for to be heard will be I won't...but I am unsure where to go from here. I'm talking to Babe about all of more self-editing...and of course leaving the communication lines open between me and my soul.

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