Friday, April 24, 2009

the matriarch of my family is dying.

she leaves behind a legacy of many things (none of which i can recall right now) all overshadowed by her spitefullness. and still, on her deathbead, she continues to stir up the bullshit...

despite having not spoken to her in almost ten years, she asks for me...where am i? why am i not there? how am i and my daughter, her great-grandchild? now she wants answers? now when it's too late, now when there is no opportunity for accountability and the possibility of forgiveness? as if that would erase the abuse and hurt she, with full awareness, caused...

i grieve only for my mother and sister because they feel the pain of her passing...

metta ~ it's a hindu word meaning loving kindness...something my grandmother never taught me. she did things for me out of responsibility and duty. once upon a time, i saw her and our time together through a child's rose-colored glasses, then i grew up and learned the truth.

i think about the line of women i came from...i know almost nothing about them. i only know my own mother...who she is now, who she chose to be once she rose above through the shit. that's where the loving kindness began, in her heart, to mine and now to my daughter's.

i've no doubt that i will see my grandmother one day...when we are both enlightened souls and recognize one another for whom we truly are. until then she remains a women i would not have chosen to befriend, let alone be related to. and yet, i don't wish her the same pain she's caused as she crosses over....i hope she finally finds peace.

i keep my family in my thoughts and prayers these days...and i also pray that with the passing of my grandmother, all the ugliness will die with her, allowing three generations of perpetuated wounds to finally heal.

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