who's my momma

thank you dear ones for holding me and my family in your thoughts while we go through this passing of my grandmother...she finally crossed over on saturday afternoon. there's lots of dialogue occurring, acknowledging of hurt between my mother's siblings...acknowledging of time passed without one another's love bonded by memories and blood. it's a great thing to hear...there may be hope yet.

during all of this i have tried my best to open my heart and arms wider offering comfort and a deeper listening to those who need it. i have tried to mother many people these past few weeks so that they can land softer in their anger, or hurt, or frustration.

and, while feeling capable of doing so in the moment, afterwards, i feel my own emotions go unchecked and unravel even further...and i wonder who mothers me? i have spent days and weeks thinking about this, not coming to any conclusion, just feeling a depth of disappointment and loneliness that i haven't felt in years. tom and my family reciprocate as much as they can, but it's not quite what i need...

i have been doing lots of doings...and what i now need is to sit still and rest and not do or think or be anything other than just what i am feeling...and accept that whatever comes up, comes up to work through, to let go of so that i can feel like myself again...so that i feel capable of mothering again.

thx to brandi for this inspiration...sitting sounds like the perfect pose to relieve my exhaustion and bring me back to myself.