Monday, November 1, 2010

re-remembering

I'm trying to figure out my worth.
I know I have one...it's here
somewhere inside the darkness, hanging on a hook
with my confidence & power.

You see, I moved into a black cavernous abyss
and have grown quite small...not intentionally
it just happened when the pain became too much
and the lies numerous and the betrayl a knife
that cut into every moment of the day.

i look at my daughter and I wonder what am i to her?
if i could ask her my value to her 5 yr old heart, what would she answer?
the friends that i lean on more these past few months
if i could ask them what do i bring to their days anymore, what would they say?
and my aging parents, i wonder if it feels like taking care of a child again
if i could ask them what is it they see in me that is their daughter what woud they say?

and i know that this questioning is because someone i trusted
with my precious, tender self showed me his worth for me
by trampling over it instead of handing it back to me with respect.

i don't ask and so i don't know their answers and i don't know my own
but I remember being tenacious and strong
I remember having my own sense of personal value and worth
and that I matter...
it's just going to take crawling out of this gaping crack to take it back

post edit: I wrote this a couple of days back while I snuggled into my daughter during the night. I cried into her hair, hoping that by feeling her close, I would feel the answers. I didn't that night, and I still don't...but I'm fighting for them, and that's have the battle.

2 comments:

terri said...

i've had my own form of trampling from ones i trusted. and i still find times when i just doubt and doubt and doubt....for me, when i was in the thickest dark and just kept goin' i couldn't see my worth. i just did what i had to. and then at some point, i found i could take a breather and look back at where i had traveled. i think it was then i started to see. and i think it was then it started to grow. i still doubt sometimes. but it's not the same. in the traveling you become strong....and at some point, you'll look back at how far you traveled and you'll be amazed at yourself. and your worth.

Wild Roaming One (WRO) said...

(((Terri)...i'm keeping this one in my journal so that i can remember...

WRO xo