Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Love is a verb

I knew this was coming...I could feel it, the voices of changing winds close by.

This wasn't going to be a seasonal re-birth like spring, it felt more of a permanent, no-going-back-to-your-old-self death.

I should have felt the threat too. And yet, I did feel it. I knew that something was not quite right...I felt unsettled and saw things that I thought weren't actually there...but they were. I was drawn into the rythm of my life and denied my Inner voice warning me to pay attention to the secrets and lies forming around me. If ever there was a time to listen to Her, this would be it.

The destructive event (of which I've yet to come up with a term comfortable enough for me to utter) has been likened by one of my good friends as a "forest fire" ~ the burning away of the existing to make room for the new. That perspective feels right...but oh the fucking pain while my world burned to the ground. I raged in anger at the smithereens of my life. I didn't ask "Why me?" but instead "How could you? How did we get here? Where do we go?"

I watched the devistation obliterate my life in a flash, and in the days that followed while engulfed in grief and disbelief, I saw that this could be an opportunity too, a new beginning if I let there be one...an emergence of something unknown, fertilized by blackend and familiar soil.

Love is a verb, she wrote on the rock and placed it in our garden...our community garden that has become about healing and growing and triumphanting over betrayal, chaos and fear.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

"People are like stained glass windows: they sparkle and shine when the sun's out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is light within." -Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

Your strength, beauty, integrity, and love are shining through like a spectacular kaleidoscope. It shifts every moment, but that just means a new perspective, new beauty, new opportunity. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, with love and courage.

Sorrow said...

I have been thinking about you..
I went hunting for your snail mail addy I thought I had, but I guess it was an old one, because it came back to me..
and still you have been in the corners of my mind.
I do not know what has fired your being, but I am sending a gentle hug, since my snail mail one did not make it...
(((((((LIL))))))))))))))

Sarah said...

Oh Oat...what happened hon?? Oh I am now worried...who has hurt you and broken your heart? I am sending gentle loving hugs and love your way! What can I do for you hon?? Am here if you need me hon..or if you don't or need to smile...I will tell you a silly story or send a funny picture your way. Love, Sarah

Bohemian Single Mom said...

Holy shit you can write girlfriend!!!
I am so so so sorry that you are going through this pain. But you seem to also be reaching a brave place deep inside and expressing your courage so elequently.

*Please email me if you want to talk about it.
I've finally pulled myself out of a funk and feeling normal again.
xo

kerrdelune said...

Not sure what the circumstances of your rebirthing are, but I wanted you to know that I am reading your words here and thinking about you too.

The part about pain and devastation and "secrets and lies" worries me a whole pile. Whatever road you are walking, you are not alone - we are with you {{{gentle hugs}}}