Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Love is a verb

I knew this was coming...I could feel it, the voices of changing winds close by.

This wasn't going to be a seasonal re-birth like spring, it felt more of a permanent, no-going-back-to-your-old-self death.

I should have felt the threat too. And yet, I did feel it. I knew that something was not quite right...I felt unsettled and saw things that I thought weren't actually there...but they were. I was drawn into the rythm of my life and denied my Inner voice warning me to pay attention to the secrets and lies forming around me. If ever there was a time to listen to Her, this would be it.

The destructive event (of which I've yet to come up with a term comfortable enough for me to utter) has been likened by one of my good friends as a "forest fire" ~ the burning away of the existing to make room for the new. That perspective feels right...but oh the fucking pain while my world burned to the ground. I raged in anger at the smithereens of my life. I didn't ask "Why me?" but instead "How could you? How did we get here? Where do we go?"

I watched the devistation obliterate my life in a flash, and in the days that followed while engulfed in grief and disbelief, I saw that this could be an opportunity too, a new beginning if I let there be emergence of something unknown, fertilized by blackend and familiar soil.

Love is a verb, she wrote on the rock and placed it in our garden...our community garden that has become about healing and growing and triumphanting over betrayal, chaos and fear.


Anonymous said...

"People are like stained glass windows: they sparkle and shine when the sun's out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is light within." -Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

Your strength, beauty, integrity, and love are shining through like a spectacular kaleidoscope. It shifts every moment, but that just means a new perspective, new beauty, new opportunity. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, with love and courage.

Sorrow said...

I have been thinking about you..
I went hunting for your snail mail addy I thought I had, but I guess it was an old one, because it came back to me..
and still you have been in the corners of my mind.
I do not know what has fired your being, but I am sending a gentle hug, since my snail mail one did not make it...

Sarah said...

Oh Oat...what happened hon?? Oh I am now worried...who has hurt you and broken your heart? I am sending gentle loving hugs and love your way! What can I do for you hon?? Am here if you need me hon..or if you don't or need to smile...I will tell you a silly story or send a funny picture your way. Love, Sarah

Bohemian Single Mom said...

Holy shit you can write girlfriend!!!
I am so so so sorry that you are going through this pain. But you seem to also be reaching a brave place deep inside and expressing your courage so elequently.

*Please email me if you want to talk about it.
I've finally pulled myself out of a funk and feeling normal again.

kerrdelune said...

Not sure what the circumstances of your rebirthing are, but I wanted you to know that I am reading your words here and thinking about you too.

The part about pain and devastation and "secrets and lies" worries me a whole pile. Whatever road you are walking, you are not alone - we are with you {{{gentle hugs}}}